


Chop 'Til You Drop

by Wasuremono



Category: Adventure Time
Genre: Dungeon Crawl, Gen, Misses Clause Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-20
Updated: 2011-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-27 14:45:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wasuremono/pseuds/Wasuremono
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A distress call from Lumpy Space Prince leads Fionna and Cake into mysterious Mushroom-War-era ruins. Adventure awaits!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chop 'Til You Drop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rachael Sabotini (wickedwords)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedwords/gifts).



> S. beta'd this in the tradition of his ancestors. He has my gratitude.

"A bird! Hey, Fionna, check it out! A bird!"

"What, again? Dude, this is about the bumpty-gigillionth bird today. We're not getting any Toadball practice in, and the tournament is next week! We really have to..." Fionna fell silent, frowning as she watched her feline companion rear up onto her hind paws to bat at the frantically-dodging airborne shape above her. There was no way Cake was going to hear her unless she managed to distract her from the dang bird. "Sorry, Bufo," she said to the giant toad upon whose head she stood. "I'll be back in a minute. You know how Cake gets about this stuff."

"'S cool," replied the toad, and Fionna hopped off of his head and onto the first of the giant mushrooms that sprouted from the swamp underneath her. Careful not to disturb the mushrooms more than she had to, Fionna leapt from one to another until at last she stood next to the still-distracted Cake. Up close, though, the bird that had fascinated her wasn't any ordinary bird -- it was lavender, featherless, and more hovering than flying, half-flapping its misshapen wings more out of panic than need. Most of all, it was _seriously_ lumpy. Fionna was a little rusty on her exotic-bird studies, but this one seemed obvious.

"Dude, Cake, lay off for a sec! This is a homing lumpigeon. C'mere, little guy..." Cake fell back, looking a little chastened and a little ashamed, and the frightened lumpigeon made its way to Fionna's open hand. There was a tiny scroll of paper attached to one of its legs (arms? Lumps?), and when Fionna slipped it off, the lumpigeon flapped (hovered? lumbered? Oh, _whatever_ ) up and away.

With the bird gone, Cake's expression changed into one Fionna knew well: the classic _I didn't do anything even remotely questionable and you're silly to think I did_ look. "Oh, okay. What's it say?"

"Gimme a minute." Truth be told, Fionna wasn't entirely sure what it said. The note was written in a messy scrawl:

PLZ HALP  
lst in shopgtwn  
in teh nchr  
gtg  
\-- LSP

"Uh... I think it's from Lumpy Space Prince. He needs our help, because he's caught in... dude, is that word supposed to be 'Shopigtwen?' Like the Shopigtwen Ruins?! No way!"

"Whoa," said Cake. "That's like Millie-level adventure territory! It's really dangerous!"

"You mean it's really _sweet,_ right?"

"Well, yeah. C'mon, let's get going!" Cake swiftly grew to riding size, and Fionna hopped on her back. It would be a long journey to the ruins, but it was worth it for adventure! ... and saving Lumpy Space Prince. But mostly adventure.

  


* * *

  


It was dark by the time Fionna and Cake reached the outskirts of the Shopigtwen Ruins. Even for the Bad Lands, the Ruins were in terrible shape: a sprawling building surrounded by a field of broken concrete and the rusting remains of cars. The building itself was plainer than Fionna had expected, not much more than a box with a few doorways and some grimy windows, but the wings and hallways seemed to go on forever.

"Whoa," said Fionna. "This place is serious! You ready, Cake?"

"Am I ever!" Cake loped across the concrete, stepping lightly over the odd chunk of scrap metal or skeleton, and soon they arrived at what Fionna took to be the main doorway. The glass of the doors had been broken ages ago, and it sparkled faintly in the dim moonlight, but the sign above the doorway seemed mostly intact, spelling out the place's name in huge letters: **SHO PI G T WN**. Shopigtwen. They'd definitely found the right place.

Fionna drew her sword and made her way inside, a normal-sized and watchful Cake just behind. Inside, dim overhead lights half-illuminated a tiled hallway lined with open doorways. As Fionna stalked forward, she scanned each doorway for any sign of movement, but all was dark and still. Up ahead, though, the hallway turned sharply, and light spilled out from whatever lay beyond. Confident that there wasn't anything waiting in the shadows to jump them, Fionna advanced down the corridor, Cake still watching her back.

The room beyond the hallway was lit so brightly that the contrast blinded Fionna for a moment. When her vision finally returned, her eyes went wide as she took in the view: a huge, two-story enclosed courtyard, ringed by the same sort of doorways she'd seen already in the hallway. Skeletons were everywhere, more skeletons than she'd ever seen at once before -- lying on the floor, huddled against the walls, or slumped in the chairs or on the tables that filled most of the room. Fionna could even make out a skeletal arm emerging from the large fountain at the center of the room. The skeletons were bad enough, but even stranger were the Food People milling around the courtyard, doing... well, who knew what they were doing? There was a strange smell in the air, the sweet and savory scent of Food People mixed with very old decay. It reminded Fionna of something, but she couldn't quite place it.

"Sweet fancy flapjacks!" said Cake behind her. "It smells like Wildberry Prince's kitchen in here."

"Yeah, that's it!"

"... What?"

"Uh, nothing."

"If you say so," replied Cake. "Anyway, I don't see LSP anywhere, but I think that's a map over there. Let's check it out." She pointed towards a black metal podium covered in writing and a diagram too complicated for Fionna to to make out entirely. Still, it did look like a map, and Fionna tiptoed around the edge of the room to reach it. Thankfully, the Food People didn't seem to notice her, and the skeletons weren't exactly springing back to life either. This place was pretty weird, but at least it was safe.

Unfortunately, once they actually made it to the map, Fionna realized this wasn't going to be that easily. The diagram of the Ruins wasn't a whole lot clearer up close, and the podium was grimy from age and neglect, so even making out the tiny writing under the diagram was harder than it needed to be. Cake stood up to take a closer look herself, and from her frown, Fionna could tell she wasn't having an easier time. "Well, this is a hot mess," Cake commented. "Where did LSP say he was, anyway?"

"Someplace called... the N-C-H-R? Yeah, I dunno either." Fionna bit her lip and focused on the tiny print. "'Ladies' Apparel'... no, that's not it. Sheesh..."

As she read down the long list of names on the podium and tried to use them to get her bearings, Fionna lost track of time, and minutes passed before a yelp from the courtyard broke her concentration. She looked up in surprise to find an army of Food People staring at her and Cake, with one little Ice Cream Person pointing insistently at her. "Loiterers! Get them!"

Before Fionna could drop into a battle stance or yell instructions to Cake, the crowd marched forward almost in lockstep, and soon the Food People were upon them. The ice cream kid grabbed hold of Fionna's ankle, and while she tried to shake him off, an even smaller Nacho Person wrested her sword from her hands. Cake stretched a limb out to retrieve it, but before she could, another Ice Cream Person snatched it from her grasp and scampered away; before Cake could recover, a giant hot dog tackled her and forced her to the ground. More Food People joined in, and soon no amount of flailing could help them; they were pinned.

Once Fionna and Cake were subdued, the Food People were silent for a moment before one of them cried out again: "Here comes the Judge!" There was motion from something approaching on the second-story balcony overlooking the courtyard, and soon Fionna could make out the new arrival: a Pretzel Person in a huge white wig and long black robe, glaring down at her and Cake with ill-disguised disdain. Two larger Food People were behind him, carrying a throne, and soon set it down for him to take a seat.

"Order!" called out the Pretzel Person, deep voice carrying through the courtyard. "I am The Honorable Judge Pretzel of the Food Court, and I have been told we have lawbreakers in our midst. Strangers, you are charged with the crime of loitering without purchase. How do you plead?" The Food People bearing Fionna and Cake down moved enough to let them get to their feet, and Fionna stood, figuring that without her sword it wasn't worth picking a fight.

"I plead that I don't know what's going on!" responded Fionna. "We were just tryin' to read the map --"

"Fionna," whispered Cake, "let me handle this one." She took a half-step forward, as much as her Food Person handlers would allow, and raised her voice. "We plead not guilty! These are extenuating circums..." She paused. "Wait, did you say 'loitering without purchase?'"

"That is correct! Loitering in the Food Court without purchasing a food or beverage is prohibited!"

"So what if we bought something?"

"Yeah!" said Fionna. "We've got money. We can buy stuff! Cake, could you get my coin purse out of my backpack?" Cake looked to one of her captors, who obediently released one arm, and reached in to pull the coin purse out and hand it to Fionna. Fionna sorted through it, trying to figure out which weird coin to offer; it always felt wrong to spend money on an adventure, but if Cake was right, this would be a lot easier than arguing with a bunch of crazy Food People. Finally, she selected a few coins and dropped them to the floor. "How about this?"

Judge Pretzel stood up and crossed to the edge of the balcony, peering at the coins below. "Your payment appears adequate, strangers. Bailiff Bubble Tea, count the payment and offer them appropriate refreshments. Bailiff Churro, return the customer's weapon." As if on cue, the Food People subduing Fionna and Cake retreated, and a larger, cinnamon-smelling one stepped forward to offer Fionna back her sword. Somehow, she resisted the urge to give it a few test swings, but it felt good to have it back anyway. A few moments later, the sloshing Bailiff Bubble Tea arrived with a huge plastic cup of... something. Fionna looked at the bailiff, seriously hoping this wasn't some kind of weird beverage-based trap, but she accepted the cup and took a sip from the straw. Thankfully, it wasn't tea -- it was some kind of cola, very flat but otherwise okay. The Food People all around them were still watching her, so Fionna kept drinking and tried to look appreciative.

"Your Honor," said Cake, "while we're here, maybe you could help us out? We're looking for somewhere called the N-C-H-R, and we can't figure out your map at all. Uh, no offense."

"The Directory is an arcane document indeed," replied Judge Pretzel, his tone surprisingly pleasant now that they were customers and not criminals. "I believe the place you seek is the Great Anchor, the most legendary of retail establishments! Thankfully, it is not far from here, but you will have to traverse the Corridor of Dark Souls to reach it. Take the southern hallway and do not deviate from your course. Good luck, customers."

Fionna swallowed a mouthful of soda. "Thanks," she said. "C'mon, Cake, let's go." Her friend didn't seem to want to argue, and they started to make their way out of the food court. Inwardly, Fionna breathed a tiny sigh of relief; when she got back to the Candy Kingdom, she'd have to thank the Candy People for not being stone cold crazy.

  


* * *

  


"Corridor of Dark Souls, huh? This doesn't look that bad to me!"

"Fionna," said Cake as they walked down the darkened hallway, "I really wish you wouldn't say stuff like that. Every time you do, it's like some kind of cue for monsters to show up and try to eat our faces or..."

"Or what?" Fionna took another glance around the hallway, but she really couldn't see what there was to be worried about. Sure, the lights were even dimmer than most of the Ruins, but she could still make out the skeletons and debris in the hallway, and none of it was moving. She looked back at Cake, planning to say as much, only to find her friend frozen in place and with a fully poofed-out tail. She couldn't quite make out what Cake was staring at, but she could see motion, and soon she could make out a humanoid figure dragging itself out of one of the doorways they'd passed. The silence broke with the soft sound of chittering, and Fionna realized it was coming from Cake.

"Cake, snap out of it! We've got to run!" Fionna grabbed Cake by the wrist and pulled her along, and thankfully she broke out of predator mode not long afterwards, loping after Fionna and giving her a long, chiding look.

"Fionna, those are zombies back there! I told you not to get cocky!"

"Okay, okay, I get it, _Mom._ Now can we focus on getting away?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?!"

Fionna and Cake ran in great strides, clearing the detritus of the hallway, and the crashing from behind her told her the zombies weren't managing the same feat. They were still managing to gain on them, though, and Fionna could hear their voices echoing down the hall:

"... Mom and Dad... don't understand...!"

"Check out... my sweet... corset..."

She risked a glance back and confirmed her fears: the zombies were nearly upon them, shambling horrors in dark clothing covered in chains and weird zippers and clasps. With all that extra weight, how were they so fast? Fionna had to slow them down... and suddenly she realized that she was still holding her mostly-empty soda cup. She hurled it to the floor in front of the zombies, and the brittle plastic shattered, sending liquid and ice chips everywhere. The first of the zombies slipped and sprawled, and the rest tumbled over it as they advanced; satisfied that that would hold them for now, Fionna turned back and ran.

"Fionna!" came Cake's voice from up ahead. "The Anchor's up here!" As she got closer, it was impossible to miss; the hallway dead-ended in a huge doorway gated off with rusted steel grating. There was nowhere else to go, so this had to be the place, but... how could they get in? Behind them, the groans of the zombies were giving way to more shuffling sounds, and Fionna was sure they wouldn't be down for long. Cake stared at her and soon echoed her own thoughts: "we gotta do something! We can't just stand here."

Abruptly, something clicked in Fionna's mind. "I've got it! Cake, Javelin Mode!" Cake obligingly transformed, and Fionna picked her up and hurled her at one of the holes in the steel grating. Her aim was true, and Cake soared through the grating and landed with a thunk on the floor beyond it. "Okay, now look for a way to get that grate open -- I'll keep the zombies busy out here!"

"Got it!" called Cake back once she'd de-stretched, but by then Fionna was already turned towards the approaching zombies, sword at the ready. The horde had thinned out some, but there were still enough to keep Fionna on her feet. She cut down the first to reach her, cutting the bizarre logo on his T-shirt in half, and spun around to kick the next zombie right in the mesh-clad midriff. A slash here and there when one of them managed to fight through the rest of the mob managed to keep them at bay, but the zombies just wouldn't stop coming, and Fionna wasn't sure how long she could hold out. It seemed like forever before the sound of screeching metal behind her told her that Cake had found a way to get the gate open. Fionna made a mad dash inside, and the gate slammed shut again behind her, leaving the zombies pawing at the metal and groaning helplessly.

Fionna exhaled and took a moment to get her bearings again. From what she could see, the Anchor was an intimidatingly large room filled with a forest of clothing racks; still, she couldn't see any signs of movement, and the dim light was just enough to see by. Cake padded up to her, and wordlessly the two of them began to stalk down an aisle, looking for any sign of LSP. After the zombies, Fionna was on alert and ready for anything.

The next thing she saw was the one thing she wasn't ready for: Lumpy Space Prince at the end of the aisle, a bag in one hand. When he turned to face them, he looked bored but unhurt. "Oh my Glob, _there_ you guys are! What took you so long? I sent that lumpigeon, like, hours ago!"

"Dude," said Fionna, "there were zombies and freaky Food People and stuff! How did you not notice? How'd you even get in here, anyway?"

"The door from the parking lot, duh! Did you guys go in the main entrance or something?"

"Yeah..."

"Nobody goes in there anymore," replied LSP in the tones of someone reciting common knowledge. "Most of these Ruins are so over! There'd be no reason to go here if the Anchor didn't still have all the sweetest Promcoming fashions. So, like, can you guys give me a ride home? My freakin' parents took away my car keys, and Matt ditched me after he dropped me off."

"Sure," said Cake. "Are you two ready to go? 'Cause I know I've had my fill of this for the day."

Fionna nodded. "Yeah, let's get out of here." LSP led the way without being prompted, taking them down another long aisle and then through a shattered glass doorway to the outside. Coming from the musty, death-smelling Ruins, the outdoor air was fresh and sweet, and Fionna breathed in deeply as she returned her sword to her backpack. Cake, clearly eager to be on their way, had already stretched to riding size, and LSP had gotten a grip as well as he could. Fionna climbed onto Cake's back, and the three of them were off.

Fionna had to be honest with herself: a part of her was a little hacked off at Lumpy Space Prince. They'd gone through all of that just so that he could get a ride home? For all that trouble, she'd at least hoped for a pile of treasure or a giant monster or something. Still, an adventure was an adventure; she and Cake had seen some freaky stuff, and now that they were done with it, the night sky and the breeze seemed even nicer by comparison. Maybe that joy of life was what adventuring was all about.

Nah, Fionna decided, adventuring was definitely about the treasure and monsters -- but this was okay too.


End file.
